Break

 I haven't really done anything since last post. Just a bit of ceramics and jewelry-making. I'll be back doing paintings once I'm on vacation, haven't been feeling it.

As posted on Facebook, a blurb about suicide

 I think some people need to take a step back and reevaluate their opinions on suicide. All the time, I hear "how could they do that to their kids?" or "they were selfish."

After having gone through a serious attempt myself, I can tell you two things for sure.

1. Suicide can be planned or just done on impulse.
2. People who attempt suicide are completely convinced that everyone (yes, even the "kids") is better off without them.

My attempt was impulsive. I felt the worst pain in my life in one moment and there was only one way to make it stop. It was from a place of despair and desperation. It's perfectly normal for people to act a certain way in the moment, and then regret it later once everything blows over. Sadly those who kill themselves never get to regret it.

I didn't feel bad about trying to die. It wasn't because I was selfish, it was because I truly believed that everybody would be better off if I wasn't around. People say "how could they think that?" "that's insane!" Yes, it is insane. This is what depression can make you think. It is a mental illness, not a mood. I believed that I was a burden on my family, both financially and emotionally. I believed that my friends didn't actually like me and were just talking to me out of pity. I believed that everyone would be able to move forward with their lives easily because I wasn't that important. Yes, it was insane. It was completely irrational, but for people with depression, this is their reality. This is their thought process. 

I hope everyone thinks about this tonight, because it's important. My family just lost a close family friend. We are grieving. We want to know why. That's completely natural, we want to know the reasons behind the actions of others. But there is no anger, just the echoing question of "what could have happened that put him in so much pain?" That's truly how most suicides are. There is a limit to how much pain we can actually handle. He likely reached his.

Art Dump! #1

These uploaded out of order... Bowl made by ???, glazed by me.

Abandoned plate, the blue is going to be a china blue if things come out right.

All seven of my completed paintings

What I was working on last night, painting #8

My little birds, glazing in progress... plus cat

The inside of the abandoned bowl. So happy with the flower.

Sprout's grave marker. Time to finally evict him from my freezer.

 

Fuck walking, apparently

I fell down in the small stairwell today because I got super dizzy and lost complete control of my body. Fun stuff. Thankfully I collapsed backwards and was able to put out my hands in time. Kind of ended up in a sitting/reclining position. The last fucking thing I need right now is a head injury.

Well, it's time to unload the new crickets. I hate them so much. The frogs go crazy about them though, way more than they do with dubia roaches, mealworms, and black soldier fly larva. OH and I forgot, Stumpie now eats dubia and crickets!! After 7 years of only eating mealworms because she would reject anything else, she suddenly has decided to eat just about anything that moves. I'm really happy because she's begun to lay eggs and needs extra nutrition.

---------

Someone moved my scrubbie brush from the garage sink. I had to rinse the food dish and pour out all the cricket debris from the bin without doing actual cleaning. That brush is specifically for my reptile stuff, I don't know who would have moved it.

Anyway, the crickets are situated in their bin with some water and broccoli bits. They're insanely energetic, definitely had a few leap to freedom. Oh well. Part of owning reptiles, I guess. 

Time to get off the internet, I've been doomscrolling again.

Bye Bye Iron

I haven't felt good lately. A couple months ago my birth control got swapped without warning from a 4-day placebo pack to a 7-day placebo pack, and it's been a nightmare. I'm on birth control because I bleed a LOT without it. Limiting my period to 4 days keeps me from becoming anemic again. 7 days is too long, and this time it was really bad. I've become exhausted, dizzy, lacking energy, and constantly fatigued. I haven't been painting anything, though I still went to Ceramics. Thankfully I've been put back on 4-day packs so this hopefully won't happen again. In the meantime I've been taking iron supplements.

FUN FACT!: If I'm not on any birth control whatsoever, I bleed 15-20 days a month.

I also have been really antisocial. I know that's a bad thing, but I just literally don't have the patience right now. I'm just exhausted.

Tomorrow a cleaning service is coming to clean the main floor, which means I need to clean my own space. The fatigue hasn't helped me any, but I just emptied both of my garbage cans and my recycling bin. I still have to:

• Vacuum the reptile room
• Vacuum my room
• Clean sink countertop
• Clean sink mirror
• Clean toilet
• Feed the frogs

I don't think I can get that all done tonight, but I guess I can at least try...

Oh, and it's been impossible to take photos for the new shop because it's been raining or hazy every fucking day. Waiting and hoping for a clear sunny day.

Painting #4

Painting #3

Working on my own rabbit-head design, but still need practice to get the measurements right.

More photos and stress

 

Finished glazing the bowl earlier, can't wait to see it out of the kiln!

Also made two paintings:

So there's a photo-dump post for ya. (Although I'm pretty sure no one sees this blog)

I'm having a tough time today. My brain has gone into "you're going to die alone" mode. I checked out the ace dating site I met two guys through and the same fucking people are there. Like 95% are users that have been there seemingly forever. This caused me some panic, because I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to find someone now. I'm 33, I'm running out of time. So many people have already partnered up, eventually the available people are going to consist of two groups... Divorcees with kids or extreme emotional baggage, and the fucking weirdos who are undateable. I know that sounds mean, but the asexual dating pool is more like a cesspool. I didn't even nap today. My anxiety was too bad. 

I also haven't heard from ace guy since Tuesday. I don't understand. How can someone go from multiple messages a day to a single message every 2 to 3 days so damn quickly? It makes me worried that he didn't just stop liking me due to his family and friends taking up his time, but he stopped because I did something or said something wrong. That's always my go-to thought because me being "weird" and "unlikable" was what I was told, and further enforced by bullying. It really wasn't until college that I realized that I might be unusual to some, but certainly not as weird as my hometown made me out to be. Still though, that past trauma comes back up every time I'm rejected, or what I perceive as being rejected by someone. I always panic and ask myself "is it me? Is there something wrong with me that everyone else sees but I don't see?" 

I'm just feeling awfully lonely. I also just don't deal well with rejection. Not in the "YOU REJECTED ME AND I'M GONNA GET REVENGE" way, of course. It just makes me really sad. I know I'm not "unlovable," but the chance that I find someone compatible is low. 

I do experience aesthetic attraction. I wish I didn't because it would make things so much easier, but I do. Looks matter to me. I can't feel romantic feelings towards anyone who doesn't look "good" to me. That makes things reaaaally hard. I'm attracted to average or chubby men, which is tough because a large percentage of ace males are thin as a rail or obese. I guess you can say I like the look of a guy whose body type is more similar to mine.

I feel like I'm just redundantly rambling on and on about ace dating woes, so I'm gonna wrap it up here.

Crap it's a holiday

I'm still feeling disheveled. It's pretty bothersome. Like right now I feel like staying up all night painting, but my uncle is coming over tomorrow. His birthday was the 4th, but we had thunderstorms come and screw that up. So the 5th it is. I'd be really rude to only come out of my room for a few hours to see my uncle, but if I stay up late that's exactly what's going to happen. Yet at the same time, it's rare I have so much motivation for something.

See what I mean? Definitely disheveled. 

I'm not bothering with ace dating for a while. I just can't deal with the whole bullshit routine of sifting through profiles of borderline obese men who stay indoors all day, and whose lives completely revolve around Marvel and D&D. Also even with ADHD, I feel like most aces are wayyy more neurodivergent than me. It's not that I don't respect neurodiversity, because then I'd be hating on myself, but some people are just a little too "out there" for me. A little too neurospicy, I guess. But yeah... Last ace dude was pretty normal. No communication issues, a healthy social and work life, liked dogs and cats. That's really tough to find. I just need a fucking break.

Putting up the shop again

I really want to finally get my Storenvy shop up and running again. I'm hoping that I can get people from the craft fair visiting the shop, especially if they were on the fence about an item. I mean, right now everything is just sitting in bags and boxes gathering dust until the next fair. Might as well have them available for sale all the time.

I don't think I'm going to photograph and post each item separately, I'll do more of an A B C D sort of thing to save time and effort. My motivation is pretty low, so hopefully this will help me work around that. I just need a sunny day, which looks like it'll be Wednesday before I can get any photographing done.

Still weirded out about the ace guy situation. He still wants to talk to me but... why? I don't get it. 

I don't know why but I've been so dizzy today and slept a lotttt. Had crazy nightmares as well. I hope I feel better soon. And I almost forgot, I burned my hand yesterday trying to keep a pizza from sliding off the metal thingie you cook the pizza on. It really isn't anywhere as bad as it looks. Barely hurts at all today.