About Me

Hi, I'm Maddie. I guess I'm what you could consider an Elder Emo, so I guess that's probably the most defining descriptor for me. I still wear band tees for post-hardcore bands, and attend concerts for bands that have been around for 20 years. 

Thankfully my elder years don't include the crippling depression I was stuck with for over two decades of my life. I spent so many years struggling with it. Tack on some PTSD, and it was a recipe for disaster. Things got so bad that I tried to end my life in 2018. I thankfully survived, but unlike many peoples' stories, I didn't have an "awakening" or anything. I was still depressed, but I was just a bit stronger than before. I could finally cope.  

Coping was exactly what I did until 2022, when something in me just clicked into place. I started to think less negatively, about both myself, and life in general. Most importantly, I finally came to terms with being asexual.* I no longer hated myself, and I refused to fake being heterosexual ever again.

I did a lot of things once I found my newly-gained confidence. I took Ceramics class and Jewelry Making class at my local community college to keep myself busy. I tried finding a fellow asexual person online to possibly date. I sold my art at a craft show, and built up the bravery to finally getting my crooked nose repaired. (I hated it my entire life, and did it only for myself, not others.) I even did something I never thought would happen, I graduated with my Associate's Degree! It took 14 years, but I finally did it. I knew my life was definitely turning around.

By some miracle in 2023, I met my current fiancé on a dating site called AceSpace. We started dating on October 29, 2024, I moved in with him in September 2024, and we became engaged on May 14, 2025. Our relationship is great. It just went to show that an asexual relationship was truly what I needed.

Moving has come with it's own challenges. There are no ceramics classes around, and there is no room in the house to make art. We're pretty crammed. My fiancé also works long hours, so I'm alone for most of the day. We now have two dogs, so that definitely helps keep me busy. Unfortunately being isolated has made me isolate myself even further. I keep going through these periods of time where I talk to nobody. That's something that I relentlessly try to work on, but I find myself completely devoid of energy. I've also gained weight, which really makes me disappointed in myself. I also restarted an old hobby, collecting Pokemon cards, right before the insane boom. It's been challenging to keep up the hobby between scarcity and rising prices, but I have my ways.

This blog, for now, is going to be where I can write updates about myself without having to actually message anyone, which is somehow a lot easier to do. I hope it'll still be interesting.

PREVIOUS ABOUT ME:

Hi, I'm a 30-something year old woman. (I'm only saying that because I don't want to update this page every year.)

I've struggled with depression for a long, long time. Like 20 yearsish long. In 2018 I tried to off myself but thankfully failed. It's been a rough road since. I don't work, I live with my parents, I'm basically worthless in modern society's eyes.

But things changed in 2022. I became less negative in my thoughts and towards myself. I came to terms with being asexual after faking being heterosexual my whole life. I started making actual steps to better myself.

I got my learner's permit and actually learned to drive, albeit at 20mph. I continued taking ceramics class and learning new techniques. I started a new hobby, jewelry-making. My relationship with my family improved. I tried dating within the asexual community, and ended up making some friends and "penpals." I finished the year off strong with being a vendor at a craft fair (successfully I might add), and finally being brave enough to get my nose corrected surgically. (It was crooked, probably due to breaking it as a kid)

I may be having a really late start to life, but better late than never. I want to continue moving forward, and that's where this blog comes in. Keeping track of my progress will help keep me positive and fight back against self-doubt. 

Let's hope it works.