More photos and stress

 

Finished glazing the bowl earlier, can't wait to see it out of the kiln!

Also made two paintings:

So there's a photo-dump post for ya. (Although I'm pretty sure no one sees this blog)

I'm having a tough time today. My brain has gone into "you're going to die alone" mode. I checked out the ace dating site I met two guys through and the same fucking people are there. Like 95% are users that have been there seemingly forever. This caused me some panic, because I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to find someone now. I'm 33, I'm running out of time. So many people have already partnered up, eventually the available people are going to consist of two groups... Divorcees with kids or extreme emotional baggage, and the fucking weirdos who are undateable. I know that sounds mean, but the asexual dating pool is more like a cesspool. I didn't even nap today. My anxiety was too bad. 

I also haven't heard from ace guy since Tuesday. I don't understand. How can someone go from multiple messages a day to a single message every 2 to 3 days so damn quickly? It makes me worried that he didn't just stop liking me due to his family and friends taking up his time, but he stopped because I did something or said something wrong. That's always my go-to thought because me being "weird" and "unlikable" was what I was told, and further enforced by bullying. It really wasn't until college that I realized that I might be unusual to some, but certainly not as weird as my hometown made me out to be. Still though, that past trauma comes back up every time I'm rejected, or what I perceive as being rejected by someone. I always panic and ask myself "is it me? Is there something wrong with me that everyone else sees but I don't see?" 

I'm just feeling awfully lonely. I also just don't deal well with rejection. Not in the "YOU REJECTED ME AND I'M GONNA GET REVENGE" way, of course. It just makes me really sad. I know I'm not "unlovable," but the chance that I find someone compatible is low. 

I do experience aesthetic attraction. I wish I didn't because it would make things so much easier, but I do. Looks matter to me. I can't feel romantic feelings towards anyone who doesn't look "good" to me. That makes things reaaaally hard. I'm attracted to average or chubby men, which is tough because a large percentage of ace males are thin as a rail or obese. I guess you can say I like the look of a guy whose body type is more similar to mine.

I feel like I'm just redundantly rambling on and on about ace dating woes, so I'm gonna wrap it up here.