I've been having some serious issues with motivation ever since the asexual guy sorta ditched me. It seems like the only time I'm actually motivated is when I'm at school. Being with other people, in a school setting, in addition to being on Adderall, all seems to help me. At home though, I just can't get my shit together.
Yesterday I had therapy, and I did some serious soul-searching. I realized that the reason I was making so much progress is because I thought someone liked me. We texted each other every day. I realize now that I was trying to improve myself for him. I knew that nobody would want to be with some unemployed asshole without a driver's license, so I sought to change that. I've worked so hard on my art stuff so far this year to prove that I'm not wasting away my days on TV or video games. I cut down those two parts of my life so I would feel less guilt.
Of course, my therapist didn't like what I was saying. She told me that I can't depend on other people for happiness and that I have to "love myself." That's something I've never understood. It sounds like a narcissistic trait, loving yourself. I simply tolerate myself. This is the body and life I've been given, and I'm just living. Do I look the way I want? Nah, but this isn't build-a-person workshop. I'm working with what I have been given. Do I sound the way I want? Do I express myself the way I want? Probably not, but I'm just me. I can't imagine what "loving yourself" actually means. Does it mean you like everything about yourself? I don't like me. I just... live.
I also straight up told her that ever since I was little, what meant most to me was my relationships with boys. Leading up to the "eww girls have cooties" years, my best friends were usually guys. I wanted to fall in love, not necessarily with my classmates, but I wanted the closeness and partnership. (Of course, I never really knew what I would do if someone said they loved me... while other people wanted to bang, I wanted to hold hands and be together. Eventually I'd discover I'm just asexual.) When I first started dating I was the happiest I ever had been. Finally, I had everything I wanted. A best friend, a partner, and the excuse of "I'm too young to have sex." Eventually I found myself in a relationship that lasted for 8 years.
Once you've experienced a relationship that long and that strong (until my asexuality became a huge issue), it's almost impossible to live without. Nobody is by your side while you sleep. You have no one to show cool things to, and no one always willing to listen. You don't have anyone to go to restaurants with, no one to go see movies with, no one to go visit family with. You lose an entire family as well. It's devastating.
So yes, I do depend on other people for happiness, because I'm happiest when I'm able to love someone, dote on them, spend time with them, go places with them. I don't think that's so wrong. To me love is the most important thing in my life. I'm extremely lucky to have familial love, because I know many families don't get along, or don't give support. I'm lucky to be loved by friends, though I admittedly am not the most social friend at times. Despite this, until I do end up in a relationship that works, I am incomplete.
... I really thought everything was working great, and that we would visit each other soon. I was definitely in shock when he essentially told me there's no longer any room in his life for me. That shit is rough. Now I just need to survive again. Another thing my therapist didn't like. When she asked what my biggest goal is right now, I was honest. My biggest goal is to live.
Living is hard.
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