Not a great week

This hasn't been a great week. I actually have been feeling somewhat depressed, which isn't an emotion I've felt very strongly for a while. I guess I'm just really overwhelmed. ADHD is a difficult thing to deal with, my "work for reward" system is all messed up. That sounds confusing, but let me explain...

Let's say the work is writing an essay for school.

The work is finished. You feel like you achieved something.

The next day the reward is a good grade and a sense of achievement.

...at least that's how it works with normal people. For me it's like this:

The work is writing an essay for school.

The work is finished. You don't feel like you achieved anything because there is no reward. You go to sleep.

The next day the reward is a good grade without a sense of achievement, because you know you will have to write another soon. You feel like your work has not ended, and the reward has very little meaning.

Living like this SUCKS. Doing things like cleaning, vacuuming, cooking, or just about anything mundane isn't rewarding, so there's barely enough motivation to do them. After all, I'll just have to do it all over again soon. The work is never done, and will never be done until I die, basically. The only time I actually get the motivation to do one of these things is when I can't handle its current state anymore. Too many dust-bunnies? Okay, fine, time to vacuum this shit. Room is a mess? Time to organize it. It's a really frustrating way to function, if you can even call that functioning.

So here we come to the problems. I did a shitload of work to set up my frog enclosure. The reward is supposed to be frogs. Our Florida trip set that reward in the future. What happens to me? I feel like I did work for nothing. I know all I can do is wait, but the lack of reward is crushing. I just keep thinking "why did I do this so early? I didn't have to do it this early. Holy shit, I did so much work to get this together. It's empty. EMPTY. It should have frogs in it."

Oh, and the other frog? My new pacman? Supposed to be a reward for finally unpacking my boxes, but I once again can't get a frog until after vacation. So what's the point of unpacking now? Why do the work now when I can save it for later? If I get things done earlier there will still be a wait for the reward. Why should I bother?"

So yeah... It just wears on me. This is only one part of why I'm feeling depressed lately. The other is ace dating.

I can't begin to explain how frustrating dating as an asexual is. Get this. You're like me, a sex-repulsed heteroromantic (basically just straight without wanting sex) on an asexual dating site. They're all going to be like you, right? WRONG. Some asexuals hate sex. Some asexuals love sex. Some asexuals don't care either way. That cuts down the possibilities significantly. But wait, how could we forget, you're hetero! Asexual women outnumber asexual men, so let's cut the possibilities down even more. You have a pretty small pool of choices now. We're not done yet though. Don't want kids? We need to cut out all the single fathers and guys who want to be one. You want to date someone that lives within 2 hours of travel from your home? Your choices are now very very few. Lastly you need to cut out some people who you would never date. People you find unattractive, people who look like they're going to kill you in your sleep, people who are polyamorous and want you to be their unicorn plaything, whatever. You now have maybe 1 to 5 choices, congratulations. Now let's see if any of them will even like you. Oh no, they have to message first because you're not subscribed! Fork out $60 for 3 months to message now! Oh wait, but you have a message?! Who could it be? Oh it's just your pen pal. False alarm.

I'm pretty sure that would frustrate just about anyone. You know what else is stressful? Having to reply to all your pen pals! I'm finding it really difficult to juggle all of them at once, there's just so much writing. It can take me up to 3 hours to respond to everyone. I'm not saying I don't like having pen pals, I think I just bit off a little more than I can chew.

Lastly. Finally. Looking through all of those school papers really did a number on me. I've realized that my entire public school experience was like one long abusive relationship. Every day I had to go knowing that I could be bullied at any moment. That I will get less attention and help if I don't get good grades. That I'll make a teacher mad or be ignored if I got a bad grade. There was no room whatsoever for proper mental health treatment, if you were going through a hard time, tough shit. You fucking failed. Everything about it was messed up. I'm glad I graduated and got the hell out of there. Even better, I discovered that all the hatred everyone had for me was bullshit since nobody at college gave me any crap at all. I just really hated school.

That's pretty much it. What has the result of all of this been? Stress migraines. PTSD nightmares and waking up in a pool of sweat. Depressed mood. No desire to do art. Not going to class. Just a mess.

I really hope I can put myself back together.