Art Dump #3

 

Last night's finished painting. Another owl.

All the paintings that I haven't posted on Instagram yet.

Last class's clay birds!

Makes me want to fucking cry, but I'll try to fix it...

Fresh out of the kiln.

Frustrations

I've been really frustrated lately, so my therapist says I should write. I told her there's no way I'm writing anything out on paper, but she really meant just anywhere. This is as good as a place as any, so here we go!

Future dating fears:

I'm currently talking to a really awesome ace guy. I mean, we're practically the same person. He's younger than my sister, which I guess is a little weird, but he's the one who reached out to me in the first place. If he has no problem dating an older woman, (did I really just say that) then so be it.

But I'm scared. The last two guys I talked to eventually realized that a relationship wouldn't work between us because of... drum roll please... DISTANCE. First guy realized he didn't have the flexibility to visit or vice versa because of his job, financial situation, and the fact that he liked where he lived. Second guy thought he was ready to move out to the East Coast and start a new adventure in life, but slowly realized that there's no way he can leave his friends behind again. (He's moved away before but came back) I'm really worried that this is just going to repeat itself. This new guy loves his job, lives very near his family, has his own place, and lives 6 hours away... BY CAR. By train it's like 9 hours. I love the art community here, I want to stay close to my family... Who would end up moving? Would we both move together to someplace in between? This worries me immensely even though it's farrrr off. 

Frustrations about my Grandma:

Don't get me wrong. I love my grandma, I'm glad she's here with us and not alone in her apartment in Poland. It's not safe for her, she's definitely a fall risk. At the same time she sometimes annoys the crap out of me. She's stubborn and cannot keep herself from commenting on my life. It's always "You should chew more." "Don't fall down the stairs!" "You're still on your phone?" "You need to rub your belly 30 times in both directions to poop!" or some other kind of weird quip. 

Most recently she was being passive aggressive by saying "Oh, you're on the tablet. You used to always be drawing, drawing things for your grandma. I remember that." It's like okay, I fucking get it. I don't draw anymore. I permanently lost almost all desire to draw when I started Effexor at age 18. I'm 33 now. If I want to waste my time on my tablet, I have the right to. I don't need the subtle criticism and the "poor me, you don't draw me things anymore." I don't want to hear it. I do plenty of stuff, it just happens to be at college or during the dead of night. Just because she doesn't see me working doesn't mean I don't.

I can't complain about any of it because my mom will immediately say "she's going to die soon, you'll be free of her then." That is NOT fucking fair. I don't want her to die, I just wish she would lay off a little. My mom doesn't want to hear it. I'm really worried about getting to the point where my grandma annoys me so much that I grow resentful. I already feel a sense of dread whenever she walks into the room, because I don't know what she's going to say next. Does she want me to help her eat, or is she just going to criticize me again? 

Frustrations about myself:

I can't for the fucking life of me convince myself to get on Messenger, get on Instagram, and reply to people. It's just too much, and it's gotten baaaad. Probably been over a month, maybe even two. I just am so overwhelmed by the fact that it's going to probably take 4 hours, and I'll have to reply all over again! It's not that I don't like these people, it's that I type things so slowly. I think too much, I make sure I answer close to every question, and comment on things they share with me, etc. It takes forever and almost feels like schoolwork. I mean, if you put all the messages I have to write, it'll definitely be an essay. So I'm just stuck feeling like an asshole and a horrible friend... 

I also am having trouble figuring out what to paint. I hate the drawing part. Love the painting part. Just been drawing a blank.

Alright, that's enough complaining.

Art Dump #2

Work in progress on (of course) a frog!

Birds are all glazed, frog is glazed, and I glazed 3 abandoned pieces.

I cleaned and rinsed every single tool on that cart. Took 4 hours, and will likely take 4 minutes for the kids to dismantle it.

My first time using this method of wrapping, but I think I forgot how already!

THE BIG ONE. This was an abandoned pot, and I was entrusted to make it sellable. Trying to make somewhat of a gradient. It'll (hopefully) be pink fading into purple, with blue trim. I'm going to glaze the grass green and the mushrooms will be based off of real life ones. Hopefully it'll fetch a lot at the ceramic sale, we need money for new glazes.

Well, that's all I got for now. More coming soonish.