Wow, it sure has been a while.

 It's been over a year since I last posted here.

To update everyone on what happened between then and now...

• I graduated with my Associate's Degree, finally!
• I moved in with Isaac, all the way in Altoona, PA. (I still visit CT often)
• We got a new dog, Lily (she's so cute)
• We got engaged on May 14, 2025!
• I'm struggling terribly with being antisocial (I haven't spoken to some of my friends in half a year and I feel so guilty)
  
• I gained 20lbs and can't seem to lose weight (This kills me, I want my skinny jeans back)
• I haven't made any real art in about a year

So yeah, some ups, some downs, but over all I'm doing okay. My relationship with Isaac has been amazing. Everything I've ever wanted in a relationship is present in ours. We enjoy being with each other so much, and we have so much in common that it's almost uncanny. He's definitely husband material.

Speaking of my relationship, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH to anyone reading! I know not many people think asexuals belong in the LGBT+, and I can see why, but oh well. Such is life.

Art Dump #5

 This is a big one!

I switched my painting setup for a jewelry-making setup. I have a lot of work to do.

These guys are probably my favorite birds yet. I love their colors.

Not my kettle, but I glazed it!

Not my plate either. Did a weird pattern with wet and dry glaze.

Ready to be glazed! The big bird is actually Isaac's, he made it when he visited for my birthday.

Didn't put a proper amount of underglaze on the little birds. People seem to like the big one though!

Another view of the kettle I did not make.

Two more birds!

The back table went outside for chalk time. I made generic hearts and butterflies plus a Bruiser.

Crystal told me to draw a dragon. It was gone the next day, RIP.

A bracelet that I put together!

THE PUFFIN. This was a birthday present for Isaac! It's painted with acrylic paint, not glaze.

That big bird.

Using dried glaze to add texture!

The other side of the puffin.

Didn't make, but I glazed it. Tried to make it look like a pink strawberry. Didn't really succeed.

Inscribed for my boiiii

The contrast on this mug turned out pretty badly. I retouched it and we'll see what happens next.

Chalk session #2. Everyone drew rats or mice. More generic shapes. 

I don't post enough of my jewelry-making! Here's two pieces.

Two earrings!

Art Dump #4

I haven't been as productive as I would have liked. Not pictured here is a cat I was making for someone, which broke into many pieces when I tried to pick it up. I also made a gift for my boyfriend, which I'm happy to say did NOT break. I'll upload a photo of that later. The cat, however, is completely beyond repair.

Trio of frogs.

One of my tables at the October Craft Fair.

A weird bird I made, it should be out of the kiln on Thursday.

More birds, per usual.

The closest I was able to get to making a pacman frog.

Two wonky dudes.

Stupid frog beans.

My other table at the October Craft Fair. These photos are all out of order.

I give up on Speedball underglaze, it peels for no good reason. I touched it up the other day, we'll see if I was able to fix it on Thursday.

Trying to get back in sync

It's been a really long time since I wrote anything. Guess I'll write something up.

Since November some things have changed, while some things stayed the same. 

My isolation from social media continues, except now it includes Facebook too. I haven't been on Facebook since the beginning of January. I've been feeling extreme guilt for not keeping in touch with any of my friends, but I feel like something just isn't right. I keep caring about what people think on the internet, and that's bad for my mental health. Politics, animal abuse and neglect, war, religion, LGBT+ rights... I don't want to hear any of it. I get upset by other peoples' opinions and am always tempted to say something back. What good does that do though? Nobody on the internet will be swayed by my response. They'll continue to think what they want to think. I need to stop getting involved, so I just want to block all of it out. I want to stop doomscrolling and getting myself either worked up or depressed about the state of the world right now. The only way I could stop it all was by not using Facebook at all.

My relationship has been going very well. Silly me thought I could never be truly in love again, but here we are. He's someone who always listens to what I have to say, even if it's the intricacies of fish breeding. He took me to my first Reptile Expo, which my last two exes never did. We've been sharing horror movies with each other, because hilariously I haven't seen a big portion of what he's seen, and he hasn't seen a big portion of the ones that I've seen. We also cohabitate perfectly. He's been coming to visit me in CT and I've visited him in PA. No matter who is visiting whom, neither of us are annoyed by each other's living habits. Best part is that we are the exact same type of asexual. Our boundaries are both the same, so our relationship feels effortless. I'm really thankful to have him, he's been encouraging me to follow my dreams, and my self-esteem has improved by a lot. 

Which leads to the next talking point... following my dreams. I'm never going to stop making art, that much is clear. When I move I still am going to participate at the Norwalk CC craft fairs, and I am certainly going to visit all the veterans in Joe's class. However, I also know that my art just doesn't sell like other forms. My paintings are rather lousy, my ceramic animals are somewhat rough, all my stuff is cartoony. That's not to say I can't try realism, I just don't find realism to be fun. It's a lot of work. I also have never taken a painting class, so that's a problem. Art is definitely a dream I will continue to pursue.

BUT I need to make money. I won't be getting anything significant from my art. That's where my other dream comes in. I want to be a fish breeder. Last time I bred guppies, I absolutely loved it. It ended up horrifically though for two reasons. 1.) I didn't separate the females and males fast enough. 2) I fouled one tank with a beef heart cube, and my parents fouled my other two tanks through overfeeding. The second reason happened because I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, so I tossed a beef heart cube in one of the tanks before I left, not knowing they won't eat it. After I came home I was a wreck and I couldn't mentally handle the filthy tanks. My dad dumped all my tanks outside and we both ended up getting salmonella from them. I've been forbidden to have an aquarium ever since. After I move, however, I can start it again. This time I am fully prepared. I've studied books, care guides, websites, listings, everything I could get my hands on. I know when to separate them by sex. (They become sexually mature about a week earlier than I thought.) I know which parasites and diseases guppies are susceptible to. I know how to quarantine. I know how to properly cycle tanks. Everything I need to know, I now know... except for genetics. I'm going to hire a tutor to teach me that soon though.

My future goals are this:

• Establish "Guppiesville USA" aka a fish room
• Breed guppies to create my own line
• Breed mutt guppies that are affordable
• Import wild Splendens type bettas and make them more available in the USA
• Breed Julii corydoras, Super Red bristlenose plecos, and Blue Carbon shrimp
• Keep doing ceramics
• Switch to white clay
• Sculpt some toys from Sculpey
• Mold the toys
• Make the toys from resin
• Paint my crazy cartoon animals whenever I get the urge again

Crazy dreams that might not happen:

• Breed Zebra Plecos (expensive!)
• Breed betta macrostoma (also expensive!)
• Make my own sofubi toy (very expensive!)

So yeah, that's about all I feel like typing right now. Sorry I'm a bore and didn't shut up about fish. Don't worry, actual fish stuff will be reported on the future Guppiesville USA blog.

Oh shit, time has passed

I completely forgot about this thing. 

Things are... different.

I stopped painting, first of all. I got all painted out. It's okay, I have a lot of them. I also don't want to force something that just isn't "there" in me. I'm out of ideas, motivation, and also time. (Thanks, Technical Writing class)

The October Craft Faire was a bust. I think I only made something like $56 in profit. The crowd was really old this time. My stuff is definitely for younger people. All these customers cared about was stuff that smelled good. 

I'm not single anymore. This is probably the most unbelievable part of everything that happened. Being asexual makes dating pretty impossible. Somehow someone found me and we hit it off. We live about 5 hours away by car, which is kind of tough, but we've already met in person and will again soon. He's just as asexual as me so I never have to worry about him making a move. Thank god. Anyway, he's fucking amazing and I really love him. It's so weird to be able to say that again about someone, but it also feels good.

I'm getting tired, guess I'll get some sleep.

Art Dump #3

 

Last night's finished painting. Another owl.

All the paintings that I haven't posted on Instagram yet.

Last class's clay birds!

Makes me want to fucking cry, but I'll try to fix it...

Fresh out of the kiln.

Frustrations

I've been really frustrated lately, so my therapist says I should write. I told her there's no way I'm writing anything out on paper, but she really meant just anywhere. This is as good as a place as any, so here we go!

Future dating fears:

I'm currently talking to a really awesome ace guy. I mean, we're practically the same person. He's younger than my sister, which I guess is a little weird, but he's the one who reached out to me in the first place. If he has no problem dating an older woman, (did I really just say that) then so be it.

But I'm scared. The last two guys I talked to eventually realized that a relationship wouldn't work between us because of... drum roll please... DISTANCE. First guy realized he didn't have the flexibility to visit or vice versa because of his job, financial situation, and the fact that he liked where he lived. Second guy thought he was ready to move out to the East Coast and start a new adventure in life, but slowly realized that there's no way he can leave his friends behind again. (He's moved away before but came back) I'm really worried that this is just going to repeat itself. This new guy loves his job, lives very near his family, has his own place, and lives 6 hours away... BY CAR. By train it's like 9 hours. I love the art community here, I want to stay close to my family... Who would end up moving? Would we both move together to someplace in between? This worries me immensely even though it's farrrr off. 

Frustrations about my Grandma:

Don't get me wrong. I love my grandma, I'm glad she's here with us and not alone in her apartment in Poland. It's not safe for her, she's definitely a fall risk. At the same time she sometimes annoys the crap out of me. She's stubborn and cannot keep herself from commenting on my life. It's always "You should chew more." "Don't fall down the stairs!" "You're still on your phone?" "You need to rub your belly 30 times in both directions to poop!" or some other kind of weird quip. 

Most recently she was being passive aggressive by saying "Oh, you're on the tablet. You used to always be drawing, drawing things for your grandma. I remember that." It's like okay, I fucking get it. I don't draw anymore. I permanently lost almost all desire to draw when I started Effexor at age 18. I'm 33 now. If I want to waste my time on my tablet, I have the right to. I don't need the subtle criticism and the "poor me, you don't draw me things anymore." I don't want to hear it. I do plenty of stuff, it just happens to be at college or during the dead of night. Just because she doesn't see me working doesn't mean I don't.

I can't complain about any of it because my mom will immediately say "she's going to die soon, you'll be free of her then." That is NOT fucking fair. I don't want her to die, I just wish she would lay off a little. My mom doesn't want to hear it. I'm really worried about getting to the point where my grandma annoys me so much that I grow resentful. I already feel a sense of dread whenever she walks into the room, because I don't know what she's going to say next. Does she want me to help her eat, or is she just going to criticize me again? 

Frustrations about myself:

I can't for the fucking life of me convince myself to get on Messenger, get on Instagram, and reply to people. It's just too much, and it's gotten baaaad. Probably been over a month, maybe even two. I just am so overwhelmed by the fact that it's going to probably take 4 hours, and I'll have to reply all over again! It's not that I don't like these people, it's that I type things so slowly. I think too much, I make sure I answer close to every question, and comment on things they share with me, etc. It takes forever and almost feels like schoolwork. I mean, if you put all the messages I have to write, it'll definitely be an essay. So I'm just stuck feeling like an asshole and a horrible friend... 

I also am having trouble figuring out what to paint. I hate the drawing part. Love the painting part. Just been drawing a blank.

Alright, that's enough complaining.